The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
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Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
If looks could kill
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think