Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
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[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Any refunds available?…
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real