SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
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Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there