Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
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Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I have many caverns
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Good morning
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Sell your car
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.