Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
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Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
These are my roll models.