“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
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Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?