Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
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It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
rise and shine we got egg
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.