Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
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Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”