‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
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I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house