Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
shit just got real
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur