The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
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Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30