Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
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Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you