Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
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I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.