Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
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If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I put the p in pants.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.