Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
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Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
The Wolf of Wall Street.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Me in tagged photos
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”