‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
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Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine