That’s incredible! 👌
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Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs: