“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
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HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.