“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
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Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.