sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
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Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.