sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
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When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
*puts my mental health in rice
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
there has never been a better use of this meme
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them