@SadieSkyNinja: Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
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@Ristolable: "Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?" [MITCH enters] MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
@shanethevein: Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
@squirrel74wkgn: [cat mom giving birth] Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit- WHAT THE, twins! OMG triplets...holy shit, 4? (sweating)...5? WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
@xLiserx: *Wakes up in Superman's body* Me: Holy crap! I'm finally a hero! *Uses heat vision to re-heat last night's pizza & puts on Netflix*