Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
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I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent