“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
You Might Also Like
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd