Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
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Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?