Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
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[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
How all things should be taught/explained.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it