@SirEviscerate: Sorry the edible underwear weren't edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
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@ashmensch: That's me, I'm the coroner, That's me with the sharp knife, Removing all your organs.
@CornOnTheGoblin: "You promise you didn't get me bees again" [me from a distance] just open it
@Reverend_Scott: [1st day as police officer] PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET'S ROLL! ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
@angibangie: 4yo: let me smell your eyelashes! Me:...ok 4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face? Me: this is how nightmares are born.