Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
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*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
The days of good grammer has went
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.