@Hobo_Splendido: Sorry, there's a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they're not funny.
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@usermcuserface: Guy behind me in line at the gas station was standing close enough to reenact the pottery scene from ghost.
@FatherWithTwins: 4yo: What do you love most in the world? Me: You & your brother 4yo: Oh Me: What about you? 4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies Me: Oh
@NicestHippo: You know how sometimes you destroy your house & instead of cleaning you're like "Screw it let's just move?" That's why we're exploring space
@CauseWereGuys: I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologize to the man at the next urinal.