@Hobo_Splendido: Sorry, there's a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they're not funny.
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@Jayson_Two_time: An app.. An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you. -Twitters new slogan
@PJTLynch: *wife sees me crying* Her: What's going on? Me: The kids gave me this *holds up Dad Is #1 mug* W: That's sweet H: Sweet? They think I'm pee!
@BlindChow: [performance review] boss: from now on you're getting supervision me: yes!! boss: wait, that doesn't mean– me: *already smashing my glasses*
@tigersgoroooar: Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You're welcome, girls.