Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
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What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.