Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
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wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.