Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
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doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
how was your vacation
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
dutch is not a serious language
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-