Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
You Might Also Like
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
that colleague who touches your screen
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.