Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
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Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
good work, everybody
3% human
97% stress
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.