@Marlebean: I'm "don't flash your headlights at someone who doesn't have theirs on bc they will come and kill you" years old.

@Storminika: I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

@ArfMeasures: ME [suspicious my therapist's a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it ME [quietly] Holy shit

@TheHyyyype: ME: *lying on deathbed* DEATH: get off my bed

@sad_tree: Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he's probably on that thing like "MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING"