@crmotwo: People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it's my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

@Gooooats: "I'm a feminist," he said wanttogetintoyourpantsingly.

@nice_mustard: *on time travel bus* oh you're going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour '98 t shirt*

@AmishPornStar1: If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off... It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

@caseytduncan: When I'm nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It's a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.