@BruceForce: Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
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@SteveInevitable: While texting a girl she told me "I'm board" so I stopped seeing her. I wasn't offended. I just don't date wood. Or people who can't spell.
@sug_knight: In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the "people you may know" section of facebook
@UnFitz: Me: Hi, mom. I'm feeling tremendous guilt. Mom: Why? Me: Just thought I'd save you the effort.