Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
You Might Also Like
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?