Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
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People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
fr
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know