Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
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An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what