The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
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DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?