(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
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When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover