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@MindBlowing: Soul mates theory
@SaraESpivey: When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
@ajlobster: Banking tips
@iLikeCatShirts: It's that pottery scene from Ghost except it's me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
@jergarl: It's not a real twitter addiction until you look up from your phone and you've missed your exit by 37 states.
@causticbob: Why can't Stephen Hawking dance? Because he's white.