Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
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I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”