@MoonChildJess: Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
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@PaperWash: [wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today? [me doing push ups] hell no I'm not letting that baby get stronger than me
@squirrel74wkgn: "Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?" ...uhhhh, for driving in space?
@Ristolable: I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support