@MoonChildJess: Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
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@huntigula: GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge? ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
@jake_likes_naps: "Daddy will u tuck me in?:)" "Ok" *tucks him in* "Daddy sing me a song:)" "Ok" *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
@pinningnut: N: Why are you picking up rocks? M: I'm starting a rock band. Neighbor walks away. That is how you get people to leave you alone.
@blade_funner: Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I'd just go to prison.