Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
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A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!