SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
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Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Those are good neighbors.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.