SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
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Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
lol
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U