Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
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Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.