Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
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For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Feels
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what