[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
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Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.