No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
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No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
🤣🤣
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.