@TheTweetOfGod: Sounds like @rickygervais is an arachnophobe, and you know what that means: Deep down inside, he's a spider.
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@murrman5: [looking at wife's tombstone] today would've been our anniversary *falls to knees* why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
@kyle_thatisall: Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo. Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
@sarcasticmommy4: What I said: GET IN THE CAR! What my kids heard: Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
@MUMSIEesq: 3YO: "How do babies get out of bellies?" ME: "Look! Ice cream!" *5 min later* 3YO [COVERED IN ICE CREAM]: "How do babies get out of be---"