@TheTweetOfGod: Sounds like @rickygervais is an arachnophobe, and you know what that means: Deep down inside, he's a spider.
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@BuckyIsotope: Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
@Jesssicle: *brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment* "Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar."
@UncleDuke1969: "Dad, I don't feel good." "Do you want to go see the doctor?" "Yeah." "Are you gonna throw up?" "Maybe." "OK. We'll take your mom's car."
@xLiserx: *First Date* Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me. Him: There's cheese in your hair. And we haven't eaten yet.