@TheTweetOfGod: Sounds like @rickygervais is an arachnophobe, and you know what that means: Deep down inside, he's a spider.
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@ValeeGrrl: At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me "you run fast for someone your age" so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
@weinerdog4life: When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus's chasing you
@ZiddiAkki: Me washing my car Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.