“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
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I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
How it started How it’s going
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.