I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
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Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
had to share :’)
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.